The Bollard Bulletin for June 16, 2025
Local Music Monday: Sláinte, Crunk Witch!
Local Music Monday
Portlanders of a certain vintage will remember Slainte, the wine bar and music venue on Preble Street that closed in 2014. Proprietor Ian Farnsworth hosted an interesting mix of events, including poetry, comedy and music. The bands were mostly local indie-rock and alt-folk groups, befitting a small space with little room to boogie. But with some regularity, an outlier would drive down from Presque Isle and turn the bar into the hottest club in town. They called themselves Crunk Witch.
Comprised of the couple Brandon Miles on vocals and Hannah Collen on beats, Crunk Witch seemed unlikely to last — a novelty act bringing big, bass-heavy dancefloor bangers to audiences that would soon either age or otherwise drop out of the scene. I mean, one can only jump up and down amid a mass of sweaty strangers for so many hours straight so many nights of so many years.
Unless — just to speculate — you’re under the spell of some magically immortal club-music crone…
Sure enough, Crunk Witch, matched on MySpace and hatched in 2009, is alive and more than thriving. As you read this, they’re barnstorming through the South on a tour that’ll take them to the Rockies before they head homeward to open for MC Chris at Oxbow’s Portland brew room on July 10. And they’ve got a killer new album, In the Dark, that’ll make you jump up and wave your arms above your head regardless of how old or jaded you’ve become.
The record opens with “Shake My Bones,” a propulsive track on which Miles goes for broke, as usual, belting out the catchy chorus between broody breaks and flat-out screaming as necessary to get you on your feet. It’s fantastic, huge, uncut exuberance!
“Flawless Victory” clubs you over the noggin with a thrillingly unpredictable sequence of samples and breaks including death-metal Cookie Monster threats, emcee entreaties and somebody’s little kid on the mic. “Weird, wild stuff,” Johnny Carson would’ve remarked, while Ed lay in a K hole on the couch and ol’ Doc stood dumbstruck behind the bandstand.
“Nightlife,” the first single and video, may be the most accessible and conventional track here, though the relatively light ’80s vibe drops into a very today break that’ll turn your head and make it bob involuntarily. Slower, ballad-based tracks like “Control,” “Sinking” and “Sad (With a Tambourine)” give you a chance to catch your breath and chug water while Miles works out his demons in an emotive style that blows way past hammy into the untouchable territory of full commitment.
Lest you get the mistaken impression Crunk Witch has somehow matured, you then get a track titled “Battlesloths,” about the eponymous video game (Crunk Witch apparently wrote the official theme song for the original Nintendo Switch game five year ago). “Clutching Pearls” is 120 seconds of surreal madness and the short title track is the full soundtrack to a fleeting mirrorball romance.
The cut The Bollard is hereby crowning Maine’s Song of the Summer 2025 arrives toward the end. “Center Part Bowl Cut” is the jam you’ve been waiting for to cast all cares aside and dance barefoot on hot blacktop outside the ice cream stand. It’s pure fun, with sweet lyrics and big hooks blasting out everywhere.
The world sure has changed in the past 16 years, and let’s face it — mostly for the worse. The continued awesomeness of Crunk Witch is an inspiring reminder that we can still party like it’s 2009, 1999 or 1989. Sláinte, Crunk Witch!